Shadows

What’s in wonder?

Dilated pupils, squeals of glee and dropped jaws

What’s in beauty and grandeur?

What’s in adrenaline rushes, bouts of euphoria?

Save a mild view

Of the sum of you

Peeks into beauty unspeakable!

 

What’s in pain?

Rock bottom, anguish, betrayal, long suffering

What’s in strife except a thirst that draws us to the river of life?

What’s in brokenness except the cracks you seep through?

Even in pain, you tuck versions of yourself for us to find

What’s in pain

Except a chance to see how well broken hearts fit in your palm?

 

What’s in normalcy?

Again and again and again for years

Back and forth and forth and back

Familiar faces, familiar places

No progress, no regress

What’s in routine except the will to find you in the mundane?

 

Shadows

Versions of you all around

Cure our myopia!

Maybe We’ll Die

Maybe we’ll cry

Or the tears will stay inside

In the form of questions and pleas

‘My Lord, my God, why have you forsaken me?’

We’ll question our foundations

When they suddenly seem to crumble

In the heave of baseless arguments

Have I thrown myself into arms that cannot hold me?

Is all that I have believed a myth?

But we’ll choose to stay

Because our faith is unexplainable

Sometimes even to us the torch bearers

 

Maybe we’ll lie

Not much in speech but more in deed

Fruitless outcomes from priceless seed

We’ll lock the knowledge in our homes

And step out in disguise

Because the price of fitting is way smaller

And the knowledge sometimes asks too much

So we will hide

Like Eve and Adam

 

Maybe we’ll stop

Numbed by the constant failure

Paralyzed by fear of repetitive let down

So contrasting our sin against perfect God

We are sometimes drawn in

Other times the condemnation wins

Some days we want Him

Some days we only want to want Him

But still we show up

And even we weak ones, He lets in

 

Maybe we’ll die

By hanging, by hunger, by murder

Like some who went before

Long and brutal

Maybe short and painless

Our very own may suddenly become Sanhedrin

Charging us for the truth we profess

And then when all our talk has been falsified

They’ll leave us on a cross, crucified

Our hearts may stop

But Christ remains the hope of glory within us

 

Maybe he’ll find us

In a field planning for the next harvest

In our beds, dreaming about what could have been

On the road, right amid traffic

Or in cathedrals, hands lifted

On floors, seeking a sign

He will come like a thief in the night

Clad in Majesty, matchless knight

He will come

And straighten all our maybes

He will carry all our weights

He will sit with us on the floor and whisper, ‘No more’

And there all the suffering will cease

In the arms of the one who sees

So we wait!

Hope; In betweens

I greet you again in the name of hope

Seeds on the way to daisies

Seeds on the way to babies

Certainty unseen

Locked doors; waiting

Tired limbs; fainting

 

I greet you again with the tension

That holds the universe

Hope that knows no full stop

The currency of better tomorrows

The beat of one foot after another

The tap on the back of a brother

Again today, again tomorrow

We don’t know but still we’ll stay

The thin string between the pain and the gain

Hope is the hum of the victory song

When the back lays against the floor in battle

The oil that moistens tired limbs

The flutter of possibilities that tickles us back to belief

When reality wears away our strength

 

Slightly plagiarized from Nevender, whose transcendent hope I will forever admire!

Photo: Unsplash

Hope; weight

Hope deferred makes the heart sick

Not much the longing but the length of it

Not much the waiting but the hollow depth of the silence

Hope is the imaginary log I hold in darkness

Believing that it may feel the intensity of my need for light

And magically illuminate

Hoping is waiting with optimism

Hoping is building ladders on my ‘what ifs’

But waiting is weighting

And hoping is weary

When my reward is uncertain

And my desires are certainly loud

Waiting weakens my limbs

And hands them to hoping for repair

But as soon as my limbs are glued

My heart slips into despair

 

Eli ‘abs’

⁶ When they arrived, Samuel took one look at Eliab and thought, “Here he is! God’s anointed!”⁷ But God told Samuel, “Looks aren’t everything. Don’t be impressed with his looks and stature. I’ve already eliminated him. God judges persons differently than humans do. Men and women look at the face; God looks into the heart.”

Of David and Eliab with the abs and the disreputable nature of appearances-a short overly plagiarized story!

If abs were the qualifier, if lips like Kardashians or hips like Shakira were the qualifier, woe unto us. Samuel looked at Eliab and said surely this is it, the one with the abs has got to be God’s anointed one but shock on him in fact shock on us who think that outer appearances qualify us!

God looks at the heart. The heart is where His focus is, not in countless hours of growing abs while pacing around the church on Sunday morning or in the endless recited prayers at midnight without any real heart to it.

David had a certain demeanor, short guy, handsome but not noticeable, strong but not outstanding, eyes that sparkled (perhaps to symbolize his forthcoming stardom) but not enough to lock you in his gaze. He spent his free time tending sheep while Eliab with the abs was on King Saul’s front line slaying Philistines and growing handsomer by the battle.

Funny how when Samuel asked Jesse for his sons, he brought seven of them and when none of them was chosen by God, Jesse signed out because he thought to himself, surely David cannot be the man for this job. Little did he know, David had been battling lions and fighting bears in secret. David’s sole ambition in this training may have been to make it to the fancy frontline of King Saul and his well-built generals. To his surprise, God was training him to be the KING OF ISRAEL!

I am thinking of David, with the eyes that sparkle and Eliab with the abs and then I remembered this line from Brooke Fraser,

‘Yo dripping with gold, mine is more interior, yours is sinking you’

Picture Goliath with his armory which weighed more than 60kgs and David with his sling that probably weighed less than 5kgs and his unbeatable confidence.

Our God enjoys irony, surprises, redesigning stereotypes. He gets the least desirable things and puts them at the top. When Israel thought the messiah would come on a silver horse flying down from heaven, he came in a manger!

What would you rather be? David, the one after God’s own heart or Eliab with the ‘abs’

What Did We Do Right?

What do we do with all the life that we have at our disposal when those we loved and had have suddenly passed by us? What do we do with daylight and grace and oxygen and dreams and weather and food? What do we do with feelings?

What did we do right to deserve a second longer than those long gone before us?

They were and then they weren’t!

They lived and then they didn’t. They set appointments that they couldn’t meet, they invested in knowledge that they didn’t harness. What do we do with the questions that loom dark above the atmospheres they can no longer occupy?

What did we do right? Do we deserve our next breath any more than they did?

What do we do with the dreams they told us about and this life of ours that has exceeded their ability to dream?

They were and then they weren’t. In a flash, in a heartbeat, without a warning, they left us here.

Should we be glad that we still have life? Should we be jealous that they get to decipher the mysteries of the afterlife before us? Should we be guilty that those wiser and nicer than us left us with all this life and we don’t know what to do with all this daylight and wind and oxygen and routine? Should we be proud that we are managing strength despite the heavy ache that will not leave us alone? What do we do with their social media, the permanent reminders of things that mattered to them?

What do we do that we can do often enough until the answers come? What do we do that will sometime lull the pain? If we can’t bring them back, can we at least know what to do with the gray days and the bad taste of death that we must breathe in everyday with the cold air?

Answers we would love some. Meaning we would like some.

How do I reconcile the fear of the unknown tomorrow and the knowledge of the truth that I like to brush back although fate won’t stop reminding me that,

I have seen something else under the sun: The race is not to the swift or the battle to the strong, nor does food come to the wise or wealth to the brilliant or favor to the learned; but time and chance happen to them all.

What do we do with sunrises and deep breaths and phone calls and the smell of freshly mowed grass and sunsets and cups of coffee and fights with siblings? What do we do with all this life, all this purpose, all this time?

But even if He does not

‘Sometimes you sing because you believe, sometimes you sing UNTIL you believe. Sometimes you declare because you know, sometimes you declare until you know.’

Sometimes you mumble prayers because you are too afraid to say them out loud and risk getting ‘No’ for an answer. Sometimes the will of God is too painful to embrace and the work of God is too bizarre to comprehend. Sometimes we hold back because we are uncertain what giving in will cost us.

Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego knew this too well;

King Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us^[c] from Your Majesty’s hand. ¹⁸ But even if he does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.”

We hope we never make it to the furnace. We hope that Nabuchadnezzer will somehow erase our punishment and life will return to serene normalcy. No body enjoys sitting in a furnace and God gets that. But sometimes, it’s only through your moments in the furnace that the image of Christ glows brightest for others to see.

My six favorite words lately are, ’But even if He does not…’ I know many who would say Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego were not exercising faith when they said those words. I know so many furnace encounters where those six words are the ultimate mark of faith.

It’s good to believe for a thing but it’s important to remember the one whom we believe. Am pretty sure if the Israelites would have their own way, they would prefer that God offered them another route through a certain undiscovered forest or desert out of Egypt but God knew the Red Sea was the only route out and He knew what His plan was even though His people fainted with hopelessness.

Treasure the words,’….. but even if He does not….’ because even when it seems like He is not according to your terms, He is up to so much good without a shadow of a doubt.

The problem (or is it a problem) we have is the God we serve is so very limitless! You cannot limit him to one path, one method, one product. He is spontaneous and unpredictable and sometimes we just need to lean in, cooperate and wait!

How He gets me!

Dear God,

I bring you pleas for pardon, tears for inner turmoil, sudden heart races for fear, constant addresses of failure.

Dear God, I bring you my heart. Ripped apart and raw, far from beautiful.

How you get me!

How He gets me. How the Lord holds me when He should have judged, how the Lord pardons me when He should have stoned, embraces me when He should have rejected me.

Your love is my fuel. Your mercy is my drive. Your grace is my sustainer.

Somewhere in heaven He seats surrounded by that emerald rainbow, around Him elders bow in awe of His Majesty. When He unfolds his palm, there my name is inscribed. He thinks about how extravagantly He will bless me this time.

He is a good good father!

I Find You

In misty hazes that draw the outlines of breaking dawn, I find you. Like a rainbow bathed in emerald glitter, your heart goes calm for me. New mercy enough for my shortcomings. You are always on your guard, ready to pardon my failure. I trip and fail, you flip the pages and give me a new story, a new name. I delight in your mercy and you delight in showing it. My pleasure, your delight.

In crooked paths, shaky with the painful scars of a past I would rather forget and a future I fear to enter into, I find you. Your love redefines my crooked paths, drawing afresh the outlines of my blurry roads, reloading me with all the fuel I need. You alone are all the fuel I need. Like a loving father looking to shield His sobbing child. You offer hope in a hollow abyss, your love renews, redeems me. Lion of Judah, your love roars red like the fire you awaken inside those you love, it’s surreal the way you love us, almost like a dream.

In colorful sunsets, you seat yourself in majesty. Offering us beautiful snippets into the fullness of who you truly are. Dimming some days and glowing brighter other times. You are the constant hope my unsettled heart has long been needing to experience.

You are the promise of bliss, you are the freshness of hope, the definition of love. You are all we need and more, all we seek and more, all we see and more. You are so much more than we will ever comprehend.

And you love. Your love is strong like a solid rock and yet gentle like a stream. I find you in the balance of such beautiful paradoxes. Your love is crimson like blood at Calvary, blue like cloudless skies, through the day, we have access to the Son. Your love is white, spotless, without blur, you are a Holy Lamb. Your love is green like flora, you rain, our restorer.

Generosity is your nature. You never tire of giving. You give without sieving, hardly withholding. You are constant like the dew dutifully laid on rooftops every dawn, humble reminder of endless mercy, fresh every morning.

I find you in every detail of my life.

QUIETED SOUL

Life is a bounty of time, chance, opportunity, youth right now!

So many open doors, so much promise to grab, mistakes easily erased, failures easily shut by the next open door.

‘…time and chance happen to us all….’

Ever stopped to think that God wants nothing but the very best, THE VERY BEST for us. He arranges events to work in your favor, He is constantly thinking of ways to express His love to you. He asks one thing from you, that you will hear Him.

‘…my sheep know my voice…’

Our maker loves a quieted soul. A heart that has learnt to block out all other sounds and pay attention to the voice of God.

We learn to listen when we begin to fully trust, to depend on and believe in the power of our God.

‘…some trust in chariots and some in horses but we will trust in the name of the Lord…’

The words you speak are spirit and life.

In mayhem, when the voices of daily inconvenience blind our ears, may we stay still to hear the voice of God. May it be known of us that we chose to fully rely on the leading of a greater one?

Teach me to have a soul quieted, crashed and humbled, hungry for more of you, desperate for your voice, reverent in hard ship, diligent always, sold out and obedient.

‘If you tell me to go, am gonna tell you I will coz I love you that much, if you tell me to stay and better still I will coz I love you that much. Tell me what to say even if I will break, I will coz I love you that much.’ Mary Mary