Musings #1

Uncertain but relieved. Good but not too good but not bad at the same time. Nonchalant and somber but a bit cool headed and almost almost almost happy but constantly hindered by the fear of the unknown.

Thinking about how Jesus is the bread of life and digging the paradox therein. Bread is what I aspire for and yet bread is what I achieve as the fruit of my toil and thinking how Jesus is who I oughta aspire for and yet Jesus is still who I will be rewarded with! Following that thought however, why do I worry then? Also, does it not say that perfect love is inversely proportional to fear? So, what am I so afraid of then? But nice as it is to know, knowing isn’t all it takes!

Broken a little. By biting more hope than I could chew and choking on the realization half way through chewing an insanely ridiculous chunk. Opening my eyes in the middle of a dream and realizing that LIFE is LIFE and LIFE she is so damn real and perfect is God but perfect is not life and perfect is not people and weakness is strength when imperfect man wraps himself in Perfect God and gets infected by that Perfect love.

Ebenezering the heck away! Wondering how I got here. How I have endured… (or not) but gotten here anyway, pinching myself a little each day. Digging GOD so much and unapologetically acknowledging that it is by His grace!!! Closing my eyes and imagining God winking cheesily and saying, ’Just Enjoy Me’ and then opening my eyes to find my cheeks had turned blue black. Listening to Blessings by Lacrae every day on my morning commute and Counting it Up with teary eyes. He is a good! This God, He is so good!

Fazing out of the crisis that made me wanna cry sis! Coming out of ‘what to do with all these closed doors’ and learning to break dance in the corridor instead! Being real G with the Big G and devouring whatever he serves me for dinner without grumbling. Heck I even do the dishes after while humming ‘Desert song’ to hold my head in shape lest the thoughts start to ‘childish grumblino’.

Digging how at the end of the day, LOVE WINS!

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Eli ‘abs’

When they arrived, Samuel took one look at Eliab and thought, “Here he is! God’s anointed!”But God told Samuel, “Looks aren’t everything. Don’t be impressed with his looks and stature. I’ve already eliminated him. God judges persons differently than humans do. Men and women look at the face; God looks into the heart.”

Of David and Eliab with the abs and the disreputable nature of appearances-a short overly plagiarized story!

If abs were the qualifier, if lips like Kardashians or hips like Shakira were the qualifier, woe unto us. Samuel looked at Eliab and said surely this is it, the one with the abs has got to be God’s anointed one but shock on him in fact shock on us who think that outer appearances qualify us!

God looks at the heart. The heart is where His focus is, not in countless hours of growing abs while pacing around the church on Sunday morning or in the endless recited prayers at midnight without any real heart to it.

David had a certain demeanor, short guy, handsome but not noticeable, strong but not outstanding, eyes that sparkled (perhaps to symbolize his forthcoming stardom) but not enough to lock you in his gaze. He spent his free time tending sheep while Eliab with the abs was on King Saul’s front line slaying Philistines and growing handsomer by the battle.

Funny how when Samuel asked Jesse for his sons, he brought seven of them and when none of them was chosen by God, Jesse signed out because he thought to himself, surely David cannot be the man for this job. Little did he know, David had been battling lions and fighting bears in secret. David’s sole ambition in this training may have been to make it to the fancy frontline of King Saul and his well-built generals. To his surprise, God was training him to be the KING OF ISRAEL!

I am thinking of David, with the eyes that sparkle and Eliab with the abs and then I remembered this line from Brooke Fraser,

Yo dripping with gold, mine is more interior, yours is sinking you’

Picture Goliath with his armory which weighed more than 60kgs and David with his sling that probably weighed less than 5kgs and his unbeatable confidence.

Our God enjoys irony, surprises, redesigning stereotypes. He gets the least desirable things and puts them at the top. When Israel thought the messiah would come on a silver horse flying down from heaven, he came in a manger!

What would you rather be? David, the one after God’s own heart or Eliab with the ‘abs’

What Did We Do Right?

What do we do with all the life that we have at our disposal when those we loved and had have suddenly passed by us? What do we do with daylight and grace and oxygen and dreams and weather and food? What do we do with feelings?

What did we do right to deserve a second longer than those long gone before us?

They were and then they weren’t!

They lived and then they didn’t. They set appointments that they couldn’t meet, they invested in knowledge that they didn’t harness. What do we do with the questions that loom dark above the atmospheres they can no longer occupy?

What did we do right? Do we deserve our next breath any more than they did?

What do we do with the dreams they told us about and this life of ours that has exceeded their ability to dream?

They were and then they weren’t. In a flash, in a heartbeat, without a warning, they left us here.

Should we be glad that we still have life? Should we be jealous that they get to decipher the mysteries of the afterlife before us? Should we be guilty that those wiser and nicer than us left us with all this life and we don’t know what to do with all this daylight and wind and oxygen and routine? Should we be proud that we are managing strength despite the heavy ache that will not leave us alone? What do we do with their social media, the permanent reminders of things that mattered to them?

What do we do that we can do often enough until the answers come? What do we do that will sometime lull the pain? If we can’t bring them back, can we at least know what to do with the gray days and the bad taste of death that we must breathe in everyday with the cold air?

Answers we would love some. Meaning we would like some.

How do I reconcile the fear of the unknown tomorrow and the knowledge of the truth that I like to brush back although fate won’t stop reminding me that,

I have seen something else under the sun: The race is not to the swift or the battle to the strong, nor does food come to the wise or wealth to the brilliant or favor to the learned; but time and chance happen to them all.

What do we do with sunrises and deep breaths and phone calls and the smell of freshly mowed grass and sunsets and cups of coffee and fights with siblings? What do we do with all this life, all this purpose, all this time?

But even if He does not

‘Sometimes you sing because you believe, sometimes you sing UNTIL you believe. Sometimes you declare because you know, sometimes you declare until you know.

Sometimes you mumble prayers because you are too afraid to say them out loud and risk getting ‘No’ for an answer. Sometimes the will of God is too painful to embrace and the work of God is too bizarre to comprehend. Sometimes we hold back because we are uncertain what giving in will cost us.

Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego knew this too well;

King Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us[c] from Your Majesty’s hand. 18 But even if he does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.”

We hope we never make it to the furnace. We hope that Nabuchadnezzer will somehow erase our punishment and life will return to serene normalcy. No body enjoys sitting in a furnace and God gets that. But sometimes, it’s only through your moments in the furnace that the image of Christ glows brightest for others to see.

My six favorite words lately are, ’But even if He does not…’ I know many who would say Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego were not exercising faith when they said those words. I know so many furnace encounters where those six words are the ultimate mark of faith.

It’s good to believe for a thing but it’s important to remember the one whom we believe. Am pretty sure if the Israelites would have their own way, they would prefer that God offered them another route through a certain undiscovered forest or desert out of Egypt but God knew the Red Sea was the only route out and He knew what His plan was even though His people fainted with hopelessness.

Treasure the words,’….. but even if He does not….’ because even when it seems like He is not according to your terms, He is up to so much good without a shadow of a doubt.

The problem (or is it a problem) we have is the God we serve is so very limitless! You cannot limit him to one path, one method, one product. He is spontaneous and unpredictable and sometimes we just need to lean in, cooperate and wait!

THINGS

If there’s one thing things do well, its fall apart and rip our hearts open with pain, want and needless desire. Things are entitled and a little too self-confident, they ambitiously desire to occupy parts of our hearts we have not invited them to and even when they overstay their welcome (if there was one), they never pay attention to eviction notices.

So sometimes am at loss of words when I look at the mess things have made of me.

What shall I say then to these things? If God is for me, who can be against me?

Things: Tasks– They have a strong voice, they speak so loudly of my inadequacy and although I plead with them to whisper so my dirty linen is hidden from the public eye, they won’t listen. I have tried bribing these things, disapproving them, fighting with them but they won’t listen so am done listening.

Things fall apart and I see tasks for what they truly are; testimonies in the pipeline that I must fight to preserve.

Things: Tangible gods-they sit so beautifully before me, they entice me with effortless charm, they make my heart skip a beat a few times, they dazzle me with their lure and my jaw unknowingly drops as I respond to their signals. They come in and sit in and they take over me, ruling me with their gruesome possession, passing pleasure rules me and I am subjected to her self-appointed leadership.

Things fall apart before me and I finally see them for what they truly are, passing pleasure, fickle

Things: Superficial ideals– they present themselves as the preferable perfection, the less complicated alternative, the more suitable piece of the equation. They are a good picture, a perfect dream but they are not reality, they are a feign imagination that may never be. They have a secret grudge with reality and they fight to take my soul away from the here and now.

Things fall apart and I see them for what they truly are, robbers of joy, draining my ability to live fully in the now and C.S Lewis agrees with me;

‘For the Present is the point at which time touches eternity. Of the present moment, and of it only, humans have an experience analogous to the experience which our Enemy (God) has of reality as a whole; in it alone freedom and actuality are offered them. He would therefore have them continually concerned either with eternity (which means being concerned with Him) or with the Present—either meditating on their eternal union with, or separation from, Himself, or else obeying the present voice of conscience, bearing the present cross, receiving the present grace, giving thanks for the present pleasure.’

So, am shifting my focus to more profitable things,

‘Finally brethren, fill your minds with things that are good and that deserve praise: things that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, and honorable.’ These ladies and gentlemen are my new type of things!

The Liebster Award Post

 

I have been nominated for the Liebster Award Post by a Ugandan in denial, Her Majesty Lady Sinawolicious. The questions gave me sleepless nights and I have been scratching my head without remorse. But first I want to know, who is Liebster and didn’t his friends in primary school bully him and call him Lobster? Any who….

Rules of the game

A blogger can nominate up to 10 other bloggers, then create a post announcing the nomination. The nominated bloggers should have less than 3,000 followers. The first blogger then asks 10 questions to these bloggers. If the nominated bloggers accept, ten they create their own post accepting the nomination and linking back to the first blogger, answering the 10 questions, then nominating more bloggers and asking a new set of questions. The award keeps getting passed on so that readers can discover new blogs.

What makes you smile without fail?

Staring at baby pictures and videos on google has got to be the most emotion evoking thing in the entire world! When the Kampala heat sits in my medulla and I scarse can reason any more, I say hello to google and smile my way to 6:00pm.

What’s your favorite thing to do when you are all alone?

I would say pray but ya’ll won’t believe me. At midnight when there’s nobody else in the house and slumber unfriends me hmmmm you know that disease where people cut themselves and bleed and enjoy the pain blah blah blah? Yeah, I do the same but to my clothes. Yes, I get my clothes and I rip them apart in futile attempts to redesign them and tickle my creative muscle. It’s such a disease and it bruises my wardrobe much but oh well, my wardrobe’s loss is the kitchen floor’s gain so…

When was the last time you felt proud of your blog?

There was this day, I got so many shares for this personal article I wrote at a very distraught midnight hour. Sometimes when I scribble my jibberish and share it on the internet, am like this is exposing me too much people are probably going to roll their eyes and I specifically felt this way about this thingini I wrote but alas, shares and comments caught me off guard, I even got my first reblog on this one!

I started hearing Lupe Fiasco singing Superstar in my ear so loud and then suddenly my feet fell into Cinderella’s shoes, I caught myself wearing this Stella Mcartney dress, and then I was on a red carpet and everybody wanted my autograph, it all happened too fast! ..and then the office phone rang and I returned to my ‘travel advisor’ duties, until next time.

If you took me out on a friend/bae date, what would we do?

This really depends, but if we click that well, let’s just say, we would make such a mess of our handkerchiefs both with tears from laughter and other emotional discussions. I would sincerely bore you with my most legit story about how I fell down in the literature class because I was picking up a pencil from the floor and everybody near fled the room because they thought….hmmm, now you there’s this thing in Uganda people like to call being,’ demon possessed’!

Also, We would rewatch A walk to remember and cry.

We would re-watch ‘The notebook’ and cry

We would re-watch ‘The Fault in our Stars’ and cry.

Honestly, am quite hideous!

Have you ever left someone you still loved?

Yeah, there was this dog called Beauty which I had to leave in Mbale because I had to come to Kampala and look for money to buy her more dog food. It was so painful!

What is your greatest talent?

I knit so well! I am like a knitting maestro, also as earlier mentioned, nobody destroys clothes any better than I do. I also have this talent where I walk into a job interviews through the door and words fly out through the window.

I also scribble quite pointlessly.

Is galavanting on youtube a talent? No? Okay.

What is the biggest secret you’ve kept from your parents?

Dear Lobster sorry I mean Liebster, if mummy don’t know then what makes you feel more privileged than her? Anyway, am not too secretive, I’ve never murdered a man, I’ve never escaped from school, Jesus found me too early in life, Hallelujah!

Besides me of course, which writer would you like to meet in real life?

Only you Sinawo, only you!

I would like to meet C.S Lewis but he already went to be with the Lord and when I go to heaven, me and him are going to have an everlasting friendship. Of the ones on earth, I would like to meet Jodi Piccoult and Francine Rivers.

What’s the last attractive thing you did to attract a crush?

Hmm, do we really want to go there? Guys, I fall for people, literally! I see a guy and weak knees betray my stamina. Let’s go to the next question.

If you could read minds, whose would you like to read the most?

I would say Christ but seeing as I already have the mind of Christ, I will settle for Shonda Rhimes.

What is top on your bucket list?

Seeing all the seven wonders of the world is number one.

THE END!

Now……..

*Drum rolls with evil laugh in background*

Time for me to revenge;

I nominate;

Karen Diamond in the Rough because this chic is Phillipains 4:13 in real life ma gash! Which talent do you not possess little miss?

Boyd Mr. Your Swagger can’t touch dis

Muganda who is not a Muganda

Atai Beth, I wrote your name and Tadashii started singing, I Can do anything better than you but in your voice Liza!

Ninno Jack Jr The father of skill

Elijah B Wojji Mr I can use my words to get into POTUS coz am the smoothest operator of all smooth operators!

Mwebesa Ariho because creation awaits the manifestation of this one!

Lisalicious This Misplaced Ugandan child who may or may not be mentally unstable

And all in all wouldn’t you all want to know how a mutooro called Leticia will answer my difficult questions?

And how about Uganda’s very own fashion sensation? Ms. Nanjego aka Sand of Style?

Here are your questions, ladies and gentlemen and please follow instructions or I will report you to Kiggundu!

1(a) Read all the questions i have answered above. (b) Answer them also. Bye!

 

 

 

 

 

I Willnot Plagiarize My Worship

I will not plagiarize my worship

I will sing you my own song

I will neither imitate nor duplicate emotions I saw expressed else where

I will authenticate my expression of love to you.

 

I will not plagiarize my worship

I will write you another raw bunch of words

Mindless of tangible reward

Let my words be my own story

An original response to my understanding of your glory

 

Rather than be comfortable with a second hand experience

Let me restrain from the comfort zone of resilience

And obey my urge to break out of the frame work of prim and proper

I was not made to be a show stopper

I was made to praise, erase the blur of self and fall unclipped in love with you

 

How will I praise one whom I know not?

How will I know him unless I set apart time for Him?

How will marvel on one unless He has my attention?

I cannot love Him unless I know of His affection

So,

I will place my seat at your feet and learn from you

Tales of your supremacy, tales of tender mercies

Works of wonder, wonders of love

When I marvel and scarse can hold it in,

I will overflow with worship for my King.